Indeed - a surprising emotional roller coaster, one that most of us get to ride. In my experience (25 yrs ago, and 9 yrs ago) I've developed a 2nd and profoundly different relationship with each of my dead parents. I've shared this notion with others - mostly same-aged contemporaries and have yet to meet anyone in my cohort who disagree. The first few weeks and months are simply 'weird times', but once the 'stuff' of tasks and paperwork subside, we begin that new relationship. I'm no expert - only have two such experiences. It is, I've found, very different than the relationship I have with several very close friends who are gone - I grieve for them. But with my parents it's different. It's not grief - more a meld of some regrets and disappointments, some learning lessons I MUST not repeat with my kids, and a gentle one-sided dialogue of thoughts and ideas. That ranges from 'what I wish I'd said', 'what I wish they'd cared about or noticed or chosen to congratulate me for' - to regrets of what I never did for them or with them. And recognizing that 'how I have dealt with them in life' is a reflection of what they modelled for me', which I have in turn modelled for my family ... and, since I have time, maybe I can show them some new things I've learned. Maybe it won't change how they treat me, but maybe they'll learn some things that will impact relationships with they're children (my grandchildren) that will make those relationships better at all ages, and in their (my children) reclining and declining years. I'm richer for everything about life I learned from them, richer still from my relationship with them in death. It's more than grief, it's relief and learning too. All the best to you, in life ... and death, Mark
Indeed - a surprising emotional roller coaster, one that most of us get to ride. In my experience (25 yrs ago, and 9 yrs ago) I've developed a 2nd and profoundly different relationship with each of my dead parents. I've shared this notion with others - mostly same-aged contemporaries and have yet to meet anyone in my cohort who disagree. The first few weeks and months are simply 'weird times', but once the 'stuff' of tasks and paperwork subside, we begin that new relationship. I'm no expert - only have two such experiences. It is, I've found, very different than the relationship I have with several very close friends who are gone - I grieve for them. But with my parents it's different. It's not grief - more a meld of some regrets and disappointments, some learning lessons I MUST not repeat with my kids, and a gentle one-sided dialogue of thoughts and ideas. That ranges from 'what I wish I'd said', 'what I wish they'd cared about or noticed or chosen to congratulate me for' - to regrets of what I never did for them or with them. And recognizing that 'how I have dealt with them in life' is a reflection of what they modelled for me', which I have in turn modelled for my family ... and, since I have time, maybe I can show them some new things I've learned. Maybe it won't change how they treat me, but maybe they'll learn some things that will impact relationships with they're children (my grandchildren) that will make those relationships better at all ages, and in their (my children) reclining and declining years. I'm richer for everything about life I learned from them, richer still from my relationship with them in death. It's more than grief, it's relief and learning too. All the best to you, in life ... and death, Mark
Beautiful piece!
Absolutely love this.